Gods tender mercies

A tender mercy last night when I realized my moms death was an accident...it really was not my fault. It has brought my worry level way down.
      I also realized last night that my grandma Vera-even though I love her to death and she tried to help me with my feelings may not have been so nice to my mom growing up with talking about and sharing feelings.

Two important realizations last night.

Stuff

Well I probably really should be writing this in my journal and not on this blog but I am not near my journal.
    Well my mom passed away in March its been rough on me trying not to blame myselfbecause I really thought things would turn out different between her and I and there is still so much I wanted her to know. I do miss her about every day andmothers day was hard this year.
 We also lost Preston Thorton another valient soul. I've also been missing him.
      The real reason I wanted to write onn my blog today though is about church stuff.
I like to share my thoughts here or in my journal really if I don't share them at church.
   One idea I've thought about for a while is it would be really cool to have an interfaith chior I think. Even if its just to meet new people and combine with them in things we have in common. Singing and religion.It might be kind of hard to pull off though.
    My other thought or comment is this. We were talking in relief society about gifts of a testimony and l wanted to say that I think your confidence in God also grows through sharing your testimony and this is why. As I've been sharing my testimony in church lately I've been recieving personal revelation. Its so.wierd to describe. I can be standing up testifying ofone thing but at the same time be recieving revelation about anpther thing. I've kind of noticed how the prophet does it too and its so amazing. I didnt want to share in a way because what if other people havent had that experience. Maybe the lords trying to teachme confidence in him so that I know he will be there for me when and if I testify to people out of church. I just think its really cool to have that spirit of prophecy and how the windows of heaven open up to your view.

Well I've been writing in my journal more lately, but I've really been kind of blue...down and depressed. Ive got a lot of things going on in my life. A lot of drama.
But maybe things will start looking up a bit. The weathers been beautiful just to bad I havent been out to much to enjoy it.
 I kind of need a pick me up ...something to lift up my spirits. Although Ive been working on some solutions.

So I feel a little...a little better today. Church was kind of hard. A lot of it was sharing our experiences and I got to nervous I couldnt do it and had a hard time thinking.
   Tomorrow is part of Jamies birthday party. It should be fun.
    I cried during a special musical number in sacrament meeting today because I have gone to the Lord in prayer a lot its just sometimes you need friends to talk to too. Its okay to have friends..good friends? I think its important. The Lord has carried me at times just like the song said, and I am grateful for that. This hasnt been easy.
 Im tired tonight and have to get up early to go to the dollar store. Im going visiting teaching hopefully tomorrow.
 I hate being depressed and I hate it when my mom should be there for me and all she does is cry and be depressed which makes me even more depressed. Ive been praying and working so hard on my moms relationship I just dont know what else to do.
Its like my mom gets sad and scared and doesnt know what to do so she tries to turn to me. This mess is all very confusing but it will work out hopefully. My grandma would say it would and shed pray for me.
  Sometimes Im ok and sometimes I feel kind of lonely.
   Anyways....thats about it tonight.
 

 

So I dont really know what to say today. Its Saturday and I slept in got laundry ready to go spent some time with mom and Jamie came home and got my dishes done and getting ready to cook dinner tonight.
 I am finding that Ive been a little down a little blue lately. I miss my grandma Woods. And I still feel guilt about a lot of things although im trying not to. I try to think of things I can do for others instead of feeling down. I try so hard to overcome depressiin and my Savior and my friends help me in so many ways. They let me talk to them and I have a really great support group. I try so hard to stay positive. I also am still struggling in my ward. Ive made a few friends but its been hard and yet I can't imagine myself in a different ward. I love the gospel though and I love learning so I usually seem happy. I've learned a lot and have grown a lot. I can tell I want to retreat back into my shell but I have good safe friends who wont let me. I enjoy cpming out of it a little but sometimes it can be uncomfortable. I am feeling a little more secure though and getting a little more brave but I dont know about my mood lately. Like I said I kind of want to regress and go back into my shell away from my support group which isnt a good thing. But Im thankful for a Savior and for good friends who dont judge. Part of it is my grandma part of it is blaming myself and part of it is missing my friend. I kept teling myself that this was going to be a test of my self-esteem maybe thats part of it too. While trying to work on my relationship with my mom. I have to work from the inside out getting everything inside of me out.
We are headed to California next week to see my nephews. Am kind of excited about that and a little nervous. Excited to celebrate Jamies birthday with her.
 I haven't really had any faith promoting stories this week. Im trying to make a habit of writing those down for other people to read and myself to read and remember when they or I are struggling.
I havent been doing very good on my road to trying to lose weight since Ive been sick. It really knocked me down for a while and Im not so sure how I will do on this trip but I have to try and work towards my goals.
 I learned today we git asked to take salads or a dessert to our family reunion in April so Ive been trying to decide what to make.
 Anyways thats whats coming up in my life in the next few weeks and the things that Im facing right now.

 

Feeling a little better about my new book my friend and my boundaries I am making...I understand a little more and it feels right and good. The book I got from brave girls club is good and I really love it. Its fun to find really good positive things in this world.
 I love my scriptures read and learned a little more about revelation and also about keeping Gods commandments.
 Am also feeling a lot better after being so sick...am having a better day and am doing good.

Well finally feeling better after being sick all week. What a nasty cold. So thankful for my mom for coming to visit me and helpingme to feel better. My working out has gone down hill sad to say since Ive been sick.
 Church was good today. Talks on trials and turning to the savior in sacrament probably something I needed to hear. In sunday school we talked about revelation and what revelation is. To me its when God opens the windows of heaven to our view. It also to me is not just about facts and knowledge given. Its about being inspired. I believe god speaks to man on the earth today and that he gives us what we need when we need it. In other words I believe in revelation and that it is found on the earth today. Like the other day ive been inspired to check on a sister I visit teach and come to find out shes been sick. He answers our prayers and is aware of each of us.
 In Relief Society we worked on family history. I actually found five names to take to the temple. I am excited and nervous.
 I recieved my book I ordered from brave girls club which I am both excited for and sad. It is a really great book but its a sign im being braver and setting some boundaries with my close friend but im sad because it changes our relationship a little and sometimes change and growing can be good but hard.
 Ive been sad a lot this week dealing with a lot but I feel a little better today...got some good advice and guess for right now Ive just got to put one foot in front of the other again until things start to work out and I feel better until I can get past missing people I love who are gone.
 Being so sick and having to stay down and not feeling good hasnt helped my depression either but now that im feeling better maybe some of that will change.
   Things will get better hopefully. I miss my friend too but shes been in my head. I miss writing to her and telling her about whats going on in my life and her writing to me and telling me to keep smiling.
   I'm just also trying to make my life better by thinking more with my mom and my sister so my emotions dont go to deep with them when they share experiences and I either get into a deep depression or I have trauma and cant talk....Ive been working hard on this for a long time and could use some help. Im thinking with experiences so I can also cry with the girls and be okay just to cry if I feel like it and so that I can share experiences of my own. Its a work in progress.
 Ive got some busy weeks coming up and fun days ahead.
 

Results....more waiting.
   The doctor seems to think my liver disease isnt to concerning except that I need to lose weight.....thats not so easy but Im working at it. She doesnt think the pain Im having is coming from my liver. There was only one overy showing up on the ultrasound so now I get to wait until March 2nd to see the Genocologist.
Im okay though in some ways. Its tough at times to diet. Tough at times to excersize.
But its also my health. Im trying to take care of me.

Waiting......
  Well I go to tge doctor today at 11:30 and Im trying to wait patiently. Ive been working out these past two weeks and trying to eat healthier we will see if my efforts are paying off, maybe see just how serious my liver disease is and if there is anything I can do for the pain I feel sometimes. Trying to wait patiently. Am feeling a little nervous.
 My diabetes leves were good last night but a little high this morning after I ate and probably still raised from working out last night even though I rested also at night. Took my medicine though and that should help me feel better.
 My mom kind of insisted on going with me to the doctor today. That makes me kind of nervous also but all will be ok. Just anxious to find out what they found and how much they know.

Well there are things I don't like about my new diet and things that don't really bother me. I just need to get a handle on it its a lot of change.
Didn't feel good tonight so I didn't excercise might have to make up for it tomorrow.
  Thats about all I have to talk about for now. I can't wait to get into my doctor next week so that I can see how serious this actually is and maybe get some dieting tips.
 I just really hate change sometimes.
      I'm pretty much relaxing at home tonight.

So my liver is functioning normal and I dont have hepititis but they think I have fatty liver disease and told me I need to lose weight. Im not to happy with my diet or excercising even though it is for my health. I go see my doctor on Jan 27th. They cant really do anything for the pain I dont think. I just have to lose weight.
 Im kind of down for a few reasons but its also cause of all this. Its lots of changes to what im doing now and its also expensive to eat healthy.
        I wish a lot of things could be a lot different. But they just are not.
Feeling sad and blue.
   

So my stomach felt good all night. Then when I left for church at 8:05 it was hurting. It hurt for about 15 mins then I started feeling naucious. It couldnt be that it was cold and they kept turning the air on to make it warm- the difference in temperature. Sunday School I was fine. Theni in Relief Society I started feeling naucious again. But its been fine all afternoon. I am glad when its feeling good.
       

So I'm kind of a nervous wrek and trying notto be depressed.
 I had an ultrasound done cause my stomachs been hurting I thought it had to do with a certain part of my body that hurts on occasion they said the ultrasound would let us know. Well guess what the ultrasound showed? Something I was totally not expecting. It showed I have liver disease. I dont know how severe it is yet and wont until I get more blood work done and go in to see my doctor. But now everytime my tummy hurts im like oh its my liver disease. Yes its good to know why it hurts and im tryi g to stay positive but I also read today that its probably treatable but not cureable. A least I guess maybe they can treat it now. Ive probably had it most of my life cause my side has hurt but now my stomach is hurting so its probably getting worse. I wonder what my options are and what they can do for me. So I sit here worried until I can find out more. It also may explain why i am so fatigued most of the time.
 It might also be a good idea to document when during the day my stomach hurts.
In the meantime I'm playing the wait game. Until I can find out more from my doctor.

We my new years so far has been about haf and half. Half good. and half not so good. I've made a lot of mistakes already and this morning I wanted to accentuate the positive.
  crawl in bed and start it all over again.Ive had a pretty good day today though and am really trying to accentuate the positive. Im trying to highlight the positive things about my day.
 Anyways I had a good Christmas and birthday birthday and an ok new years.
 I will have to write more later but for now thats all I have to say.